it hits me again

I'm alive because I have a family. I have a family who looks out for me, and I have health care that ensures I get whatever I need: the medication, the radiation, everything. If I hadn't had that support system, I wouldn't be here.

I know I've posted on this before, but it just keeps striking me over and over again. It's a complete miracle that I'm alive. If I'd been living anywhere else or in any other time, I'd have died. Probably pretty quickly, maybe even in my sleep, and certainly before I even noticed anything was wrong.

These reminders make me woozy sometimes, like everything is spiraling outward from me into empty space. It's hard to really know your own non-existence. But I've gotten to know it intimately. I dream about it every night.

I don't like it. It frightens me.