life workarounds

I have gained a certain amount of wisdom with my vast age about how to handle certain situations. Some of these lessons I've had to learn over and over again. Here they are.

1. If you have a question about anything, anything at all, you can bet someone else has not only already asked it, but answered it, probably somewhere on the internet. So ask Google.

I have found out all sorts of fascinating and invaluable things from Google, including where to find a dog's bellybutton, what kind of household item you can use to get gum out of a garment, how to take apart the hard drive of your mini-Mac, and how to burn video off YouTube. Not to mention who has the best tortilla soup in town, what makes a Peet's Freddo so fluffy, and why Starbucks' espresso beans have been tasting like crap of late.

The Internet has it all.

2. If you need a hair cut and you want your hair stylist to give you the same thing she gave you last time, don't say so. God only knows what you'll end up with. Instead, say you're trying to grow it out.

That's the closest you're going to get to a shorter version of what you already had. They say they remember; they lie. They also say they won't cut much off, since you're growing it out--but they're lying about that, too.

3. Shut your drawers when you're baking. Otherwise you'll get flour in them. Not to mention splashes of vinegar, bits of dried chopped onion, various flakes of plastic bagging, and your USB drive.

4. If your host doesn't give you a napkin to use at the dinner table, you can always use your socks. (I learned this nifty idea from my aunt, who revealed it to me without the slightest intention of offering it up as a solution or advice. She had been horrified to find her husband doing it one day when she'd neglected to hand him a napkin. I, on the other hand, was busy commending him on his cleverness and wondering why I'd never come up with the idea myself.)

If you're not wearing socks, try your underwear. This is trickier to pull off without getting caught, but it can be done. Trust me.

5. If there are no paper towels in the restroom, use one of those sanitary seat covers instead. You can also use these for toilet paper if they're out.

This one I thought up myself. I got tired of all those nasty public bathrooms--I'm thinking especially of McDonald's here--that insist on installing those "hygienic blowers" instead of regular old paper towels. Women don't want hygienic blowers. They want to wipe off their hands, use the towel to get the door back open again without having to actually touch it, and get out of there. Automatic blowers forestall all of this careful planning on our part.¹

Hence the sanitary toilet seat cover solution.

I once brazenly yanked out a handful of toilet seat covers right in front of the bathroom attendant typically on hand in a British bathroom. She looked at me and said, "I wondered why we always ran out of those so fast!"

Ha! So I'm not the only one. So perhaps they should try STOCKING the toilet paper cabinets for a change?

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¹ Although I do feel obliged to give a special exception to the hygienic blowers in the Santa Barbara Public Library, which warrant a special trip to SB just to try out. They have the ominous look of little toasters attached to the wall; you're supposed to dip your hands into them, whereupon they emit blasts of highly directed and forceful energy toward your sopping hands. The blast is so strong that it flaps any loose skin you might have around the area like a flag in a storm, which causes wrinkle-conscious Golden Agers like myself a certain amount of consternation. However, it must be conceded that your hands are dry in about five seconds. It's astonishing.

After that you have only to tackle with problem of getting out without somehow touching the door handle.