Dumping the Goldfish

The problem with pets is that they can be a royal pain in the tuckus. They demand their regularly scheduled meals. They pester you until you walk them. They poop on the floor when you fail to adhere to their plan.

So what do you do when you decide you've had enough?

Dogs are one thing, but goldfish, thank goodness, are relatively easy. And no, I don't mean flushing them all down the toilet. I would never do that.....to a live one, anyway. I have much more devious ways.

A couple of years ago I decided that the goldfish were just not working out. They were kind of pretty--when the tank was clean, anyway--but as far as goldfish go they never achieved much in the way of personality. If anything, they were merely horrifying. On two separate occasions the leader of the pack abruptly became bullying and pecked one of his comrades to death.

Talk about giving your kids a lesson in life.

So I began plotting a way to find them a new home. And one day I found one: the lovely koi pond adjacent to Karl Strauss Beer Gardens. It was perfect: huge, beautiful, secluded, and filled with hundreds--maybe thousands!--of goldfish that looked just like mine. No doubt lots of other families had come to exactly the same conclusion I had, and dumped their goldfish there, as well.

So one nice rainy day I fished out my three surviving goldfish with a little net and put them in one of those plastic bags filled with water--just like you get at the fair. I enlisted the aid of a friend, and we set off for Carmel Valley.

Unfortunately, I had not considered the timing of the thing. We arrived during lunch hour. Karl Strauss was packed with people, all sitting happily on the deck overlooking the pond, nibbling on frou-frou appetizers and searching for distractions from their tiresome office dates.

In other words, we had witnesses.

And now a disturbing question occurred to me....could it possibly be illegal to dump your goldfish into a private pond? Or maybe, well, just a little bit weird?

We circled the pond several times, looking for a bush or a tree that might obstruct any view of our nefarious act. But there was no such luck. Karl Strauss is situated in a Japanese-style garden. It's all very zen, very clean, and very visible.

In one of my most cowardly acts I handed the goldfish to my friend and begged him to do the deed. Which leads me to a blog topic for another day--most men, sadly, will find it very hard to say no to a woman who begs. It is important to recognize this and avoid the temptation to manipulate.

But tough times call for tough measures, and so I begged.

And not only did he do it for me, but I totally abandoned him while he did it. I perched myself on a rock overlooking the pond, pretending I was just there by myself, gazing as if in wonder at the strange man pouring plastic bags of goldfish into the pond. The restaurant-goers gazed in wonder as well. I was even careful to keep a blank face when he came trudging grumpily back up the hill toward me, the dirty deed done.

The restaurant-goers were still watching, after all. No need to let them think I might know this transient.

But at least the goldfish were gone. We high-tailed it out of there and hoped no one called the police.

Addendum: A couple of days later my daughter and I went back to check on our pets. Goldfish are hard to distinguish from one another, but we had one with a prominent black eye that made him stand out. We're pretty sure we saw him in the large school along the edges. The fish are probably much happier in a large pond with like buddies....after all, how fun can it be, spending your life in a two-foot tank?