so what exactly DO you want?

Over the years I've found myself sometimes entrapped by student requests that somehow were never made of me, but instead assumed: recommendation letters I perplexedly found myself writing, Masters Theses I inexplicably supervised, etc. I'm a sucker for a good manipulator.

But I've learned to be a bit smarter about this lately. Now when things seem to be going unsaid, I rudely say them.

Example:

Student: So I just wanted to talk to you about my Masters Thesis....(fifteen minute explanation of goals and aspirations ensues).

Me: That all sounds very nice. So, who did you say is directing your thesis?

Student (wide-eyed): Well, YOU are, Dr. Amtower!

Me: Really! Well, that's quite interesting. Yes.

(Pause.)

Me: So. Did I actually agree to this request?

Ouch!

Yes, it's harsh. But I had a grad student a few years back who tried this exact approach....first she wanted to just "talk" about the process of writing theses; next she started talking about all the people who were on her committee as if that were already a done deal--and of course one of whom turned out to be me. Okay, this was already all wrong, but I don't mind being ON a grammatically-challenged person's thesis committee; I just don't want to DIRECT it. Because directing in such cases does not mean supervising so much as it means actually writing the project for the student. And I've got problems of my own, thank you very much.

So I said nothing, fearing the worst, but assuming that at some point she would ask and then I could decline.

But it didn't happen like this. Soon afterward the student appeared again, this time with the great news that she'd been accepted into a Ph.D. program. Unfortunatey, she said, this really put her under pressure, because now she needed to get that thesis done very quickly--much more quickly than she had anticipated.

And here's the manipulative part: it was at this point she handed over the paperwork for me to sign, and I realized, with horror, that I was listed as the supervisor of the project.

Now, understand that this student had been conditionally accepted into her Ph.D. program with the stipulation that her Masters Thesis would be completed--and completed under my direction. Which meant that if I now said, "Hey, wait a minute!", her entire future was going to flush right down the toilet. So there I was, feeling entirely trapped, with this student sitting there looking at me expectantly.

And it only got worse from there, believe me.

To be fair, from the student's perspective, asking a professor to supervise your project must be rather like asking someone out on a date. There's such potential for rejection. It's so much easier to pretend you're not REALLY asking for a date...the nerve! Who would suggest such a thing! It's only COFFEE, fer cryin' out loud. My goodness, what an ego you must have, thinking something like that.

But I can't afford these kinds of dances....I get stuck in them way too often. So now I go ahead and jump the gun prematurely, if that's what it takes. When weak-ish students come to me asking for "advice" about their projects, I ask them outright whom they're thinking of asking to be on their committee. It's no good sitting there hoping they won't have you in mind, or that if they don't get up the nerve to ask now it'll be too late. It's better to face the pain now.

And most of the time it's all right...I've got some very strong students, and I'm more than happy to work with them. For those students, too, it's better for me to know right now what's expected.

Just say it already.